I feel like I have entered a new phase in my grief journey and over the past two and a half years the different stages and experiences with grief have felt like chapters in the story of my life.
My first chapter of grief was a mixture of trauma and shock. I was emotionally raw, experiencing flashbacks and unable to think of anything else other than the events of the night of my mum's passing. It replayed on my mind constantly like I was stuck in time leaving me feeling like I was only existing in body but not living or engaging in life.
My second chapter felt like an avalanche of overwhelming emotions as reality sunk in of what life felt like without my mum. Everywhere was a trigger, my heart felt homeless and I struggled to find peace or a place that felt emotionally safe.
This current chapter feels like I'm learning to juggle while walking a tightrope. I’m trying to find my balance, keep my head up, look forward, stay focused, and juggle my very contrasting emotions all at the same time! They call it emotional duality.
“The coexistence or interplay of contrasting emotions within an individual. Experiencing or expressing two opposing or conflicting emotions simultaneously such as joy and sorrow, love and hate, or hope and despair”.
Whilst walking this tightrope it feels like I have gradually transitioned into a new phase of my grief journey, I'm rediscovering the ability to appreciate the positive aspects of my life as there was a period when it felt like grief had stolen my sense of gratitude. Reflecting on this, I can even pinpoint the last time I felt genuinely thankful for life—just a brief few weeks before my mum passed away. I was lying in bed, and out of nowhere it hit me that after months of persevering through heartbreak after a failed marriage, moving back home to support my dad through cancer recovery, surviving the pandemic, staying sane during lockdown, going to therapy, healing, doing work on myself and everything in-between. I was now weeks away from closing on buying my first home and had finally arrived at a place of peace. My smile had returned, my personality began to shine through again, and there was a sense of wholeness that enveloped me.
Then my mum died. And suddenly my world had imploded again.
Since then, I struggled with gratitude. It's like my heart and my mind had no space for any feelings other than grief and (outside of my family and friends) I couldn't see anything in my life to be truly grateful for as it was so clouded by the pain of all I had lost. While I don't think anyone has gotten over grief by being grateful it sure does help to find meaning in living life again. I found that without things to be grateful for I struggled to find the purpose in living and developed a sense of despondency where life felt pointless. Until my niece was born and for the first time in almost years I felt an overwhelming sense of joy, a happiness that came from the core of my being, a broken heart from loss made whole again through the gift of life but at the very same time I had tears of sadness and a pain in my heart that ached for my mum to be in this beautiful moment with us. Together these emotions engulfed me simultaneously, and though they were both genuine and authentic they were contrasting.
Reflecting on my journey, I can now recall so many other moments of emotional duality. Now that I understand it, I welcome it, I acknowledge it, and my capacity within to experience a spectrum of emotions at the same time. I don't have to pick a side, I don't have to deny my grief and pretend it isn't there to be thankful for life again. I am learning that my sorrow can exist alongside my joy, my happiness can exist alongside my pain and my grief can exist alongside gratitude. I describe my journey now as grateful but grieving a combination of despair and hope.
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With love Chaz’ara Melody
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